This week, we're tackling a tough topic: shame. It's that awful feeling that creeps in after we mess up, making us feel like hiding under the covers.
We've all been there. You do something you regret, and suddenly shame piles on, making you feel like a total failure. But here's the thing: shame doesn't have to control you.
Why Shame Exists?
Shame is actually an ancient emotion, wired into our brains from way back when. Back then, being part of the group meant survival. Shame helped keep us in line and avoid getting kicked out.
The problem? Today, things are more complex. We belong to many different groups, each with its own rules. It's easy to feel lost and confused, wondering if we're messing up everywhere we turn.
Breaking Free from Shame
So, how do we break free from shame's grip? Here are 4 steps to help you leave shame in the past:
Step 1: Understand that people are terrible at processing information in an unbiased way.
So step 1 to overcoming shame is really to recognize this fact. Just because we are thinking others are seeing us negatively, this doesn’t necessarily make it true – no matter how bad the ‘crime’.
Step 2: Speak to yourself as if you were speaking to a friend.
Secondly is to respond to yourself with kindness and compassion – Okay, so perhaps you are not completely satisfied with the outcome of your behavior. Maybe someone (who did not deserve it) was harmed and it was all your fault. Perhaps you have the image of them crying etched into your brain and you feel like a terrible person for putting them through this. BUT – what were your intentions? What were you trying to achieve? I doubt their suffering was your goal. Perhaps your goal was actually about protecting myself, or hiding from your pain, or maybe it was it a cry for help? Really try and get to the heart of your intentions. I doubt their would ever of been as malicious as your mind is telling you they were.
Step 3: Extend your new found clarity to the wider social context.
Thirdly to extend this view to the wider social context: These people were my trusted and loyal friends for a long time. Might they also be able to rationalize my behavior in the same way I did in step 2? Perhaps they aren’t seeing as the worst person in the world right now, maybe they understood my intentions at the time were more noble than what the outcome might lead us to believe?
Step 4: Stop acting and behaving as if your shameful thoughts are the truth.
Don't avoid places or people based on imagined rejection. Often, the shame we create for ourselves is far worse than reality.
I’ll let you in on a short story about me. Some years ago I actually hurt someone who did not deserve it. And it took me a long time to not feel ashamed of this fact. I even moved away for a while and avoided certain parts of town when I was back. I couldn’t risk looking any of my previous friends in the eye, for fear of rejection.
Years on and I went to visit one of my old haunts; a café near where I used to live. Everything was going fine until I noticed one of the old gang stood 2 people in front of me in the queue. I was horrified. I shrunk into myself and my heart rate increased. She glanced at me; I felt she had recognized me. I grasped for my phone, pretended to take the call and scarpered as quickly as I could from that café, years after the event had ever occurred.
My mistake? Assuming I knew what the other person was thinking about me. I assumed a great deal of information about them and actually, when I look back with a critical eye, that person was always highly compassionate. Did they like me? I’m not sure. Did they think I was so flawed I was no longer worthy of love or connection? Absolutely not. I imagined they would of been curious to have a conversation with me. Maybe they understood the transient nature of human beings and that feelings change and shit happens. Maybe they wouldn’t of begrudged me in the way I was so sure they would.
Step 4 is really to not let your imagination control you anymore. Dare to go to the places you used to avoid, and to speak to the people you used to laugh with. You may learn your shame wasn’t anywhere near as necessary as you once felt.
Have you ever battled with shame? Share your story in the comments below. We can all learn from each other's experiences.
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