Why You Need to Feel It In Order to Heal It?
Learning to tolerate difficult emotions...Hey there! this week newsletter let’s talk about ‘ why we need those emotions to heal.’
Feeling down in the dumps stinks. Sadness, anger, anxiety – they all come with a big side of ugh. No wonder we try to shove them away, bury them deep down, or distract ourselves until they (hopefully) vanish.
But here's the thing: those yucky emotions, believe it or not, are actually trying to tell you something! They're like little messengers from inside, giving you info about what you need and what matters to you. If we shut them out completely, we miss out on this important message. And that disconnection, according to a therapy approach called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), can actually lead to bigger problems later on.
The Push-Away Problem
Imagine Sarah, stressed to the max at work. Every night, she reaches for a glass of wine to numb the anxiety. Or David, struggling with relationship woes, escapes into video games for hours, leaving the real problem untouched. These are what we call avoidance behaviors – trying to push away those yucky emotions with stuff like substances, activities, or even fantasies.
Sure, avoidance might give you a temporary break, but it creates a trap. The more we avoid our emotions, the less equipped we become to deal with them in a healthy way. This can lead to even more stress, anxiety, and even depression.
Making Room for What Is
ACT offers a different approach: being flexible with your emotions. Instead of fighting them, we learn to accept them as a normal part of life. We practice mindfulness, which is basically observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment. This allows us to see emotions for what they are – temporary experiences – and not get swept away by their drama.
By making space for our emotions, we can then choose actions that align with what matters to us. So, Sarah, for instance, might decide to set boundaries at work and prioritize taking care of herself. David could choose to have an honest conversation with his partner.
Taking the First Step
Learning about ACT can be a powerful tool for navigating life's challenges. Here's a great resource to get you started : Click This
So, what to do if the situation is an unacceptable one, as it is traumatic or dangerous to remain?
That’s a great question. ACT emphasizes both acceptance and commitment to valued action. When a situation is truly dangerous or traumatic, acceptance doesn’t mean staying stuck. It means acknowledging the situation for what it is and the emotions it evokes, while also committing to action that protects yourself and aligns with your values. Here’s how ACT principles can help:
Acknowledge Your Emotions: Validate your feelings of fear, anger, or sadness. It’s completely understandable to feel this way in a dangerous situation. Trying to suppress them will only cloud your judgment.
Identify Your Values: What’s important to you? Is it safety? Freedom? Protecting yourself or someone else? Connecting with your core values can guide your next steps.
Defuse from Unhelpful Thoughts: Traumatic situations can trigger negative thought patterns like “I can’t escape” or “It’s my fault.” Practice mindfulness to observe these thoughts without judgment and let them go.
Commit to Action: Use your accepted emotions and identified values to take action. This might involve setting boundaries (e.g., “I will not tolerate this behavior”), asserting yourself verbally (“This needs to stop”), or even leaving the situation entirely.
Remember: Leaving a dangerous situation is a form of self-care, not giving up. It’s a commitment to your value of safety. Here are some additional tips:Develop a Safety Plan: Think through escape routes, trusted people to contact, and resources available if you need to leave a dangerous situation.
Seek Support: Don’t be afraid to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or hotline. Talking about what you’re going through can help you feel less alone and empower you to take action.
By accepting your emotions and focusing on your values, ACT empowers you to take decisive action to protect yourself and move towards a healthier situation. It’s a journey, and there will be challenges, but remember, you’re not alone.
Take care,
Tom Pearse
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